I'm very lucky to have a great dad. Time and again he has shown a generous love that I have come to rely on. And now as an adult, I realize that doesn't come natural. A dad has to give of himself willingly and wholeheartedly. I'm so lucky to have that.

Recently, I met a very special dad that hurts every day for his little girl. I watched him hold his little girl, laugh, and play with her. I heard him speak at her memorial. And I said nearly out loud, "now that's a daddy." Because he most certainly loves his Maddie wholeheartedly. So, today I join many others in the blogging family to send my love to Mike Spohr today. Maddie was so special because of who her parents are. Mike, a wonderful daddy, today and always.

from the ladies at Room 704

Sometimes, the best we can do is share a person's experience and let them know we have their back. That while we may not how they feel, we recognize that there are days that are just going to suck beyond the telling of it.

So today we celebrate firsts. Just a very few of Maddie's firsts from the Spohr family flickr photostream:

First time being held by daddy

First time being held by mommy

Chillin' after the first bath

First Christmas

First Sunshine, First Car Ride

First nap when a totally embarrassing picture of Mike was taken

First Baseball Game

We celebrate all the joyous firsts with you, and stand guard over you for all the firsts to come. The Women of Room 704.

Woke up this morning, with Bibi being especially clingy and wanting to cuddle in bed longer. but I had to get up and let her wail.  Mama of the year. The dog was turning around in circles like a crazy nutball until I followed her.  To the MOUSE she killed in the middle of the night.  And I thought I was over being separated and almost divorced and all.  But when faced with a dead rodent in the doorway of my child's room, more than anything I wished for a fucking husband to take care of it!  EWWWW! It was small and might have been cute alive.  But EWWWWW!  I should have had the presence of mind to take a twitpic of it.  But EWWWW! And now, I can't get over the heebeejeebees of more mice living in the walls. The good news is that I'll be moving soon.  The bad news is I have yet to find a new place.  And the good/bad news is that "soon" is very soon, but I'll be getting some $ to help with moving expenses.  And?  I still need a place to live.  Gah!  Also, I'm going to be doing some part time work.  Because my day job is good and I have benefits and all.  But I will really need to live within a strict budget.  And lets face it, I'm not good at that. I am fortunate that I mentioned to facebook that a looming cut in pay is on the horizon, and a friend jokingly invited me to work for him.  So I proposed part time, and he said sure!  We'll be working out the details, but this is all good!!! Because mama needs to keep herself and her girls in shoes.  And clothes.  And stuff. Of course, travel money goes without saying.  After taking that little trip, I realized that I miss and need those little trips of respite.  With my girls and without.  I'll be hunting for travel deals and using up those credit card travel points this year.  This is the year of lessons.  How to budget.  How to be the man of the house.  How to date.  How to start anew. 

This was a perfect way to start the week!

1. My two little girls and all the love I have for them.
2. The sound of their little girl laughter.
3. The smell of the ocean.
4. Sand between my toes.
5. A big bear hug from a certain guy.
6. The perfect kiss.
7. The chime of my text notifier on my blackberry and the message from someone I love.
8. The promise of a new life when I move next month.
9. The excitement of traveling (Blogher! next)
10. Capturing a great photo.
11. Yummy food. (though, must concentrate on the other 24 in the near future... hello, clothes you're not fitting!)
12. A long hot bath in the jacuzzi tub.
13. A spa day. (How bad did I want to go to Burke Williams on Saturday after the Blogher meetup? Darn, I should have planned better!)
14. The sound of the crack of a baseball bat at Dodger stadium and the music and cheers from a homerun.
15. DISNEYLAND!
16. Singing out loud in my car (or on a karaoke stage with twitter friends!)
17. SEX! (sorry, it had to be said... moving on...)
18. Taking the time to thank God, sing my favorite prayer song, and going to Church.
19. Seeing flowers bloom, especially purple ones.
20. Learning to love who I am and being myself in every situation.
21. Laughing with my sister so hard that we pee our pants.
22. A rainbow.
23. Cooking for company.
24. Swimming in a heated pool.
25. Making new friends and connecting with dear ones again. Friendship is a treasure.

I feel better already! You can do it too at Sugar's place.

Ok, so my last post doesn’t exactly tell the whole story does it? In fact, it’s a little inaccurate and written during a time of pure angst. And maybe a bit of overreaction. I know, you’re shocked. Me? Overreact?

So… when I got to Denver, D-man and his little guy were there to greet me. And we hugged and briefly kissed and it was all awesome. His little guy is just adorable. And seeing D-man be a daddy up close in person just made my heart melt. In the time we’ve grown closer, I can honestly say that D-man has inspired me in many ways. But seeing him be a daddy, that is just unforgettable.

I met his mom who is the sweetest lady ever. Friendly and welcoming and I can tell how much she loves her son and grandson. As well as how D-man loves his mom.

The connection we had was definitely there. It was heaven being back in his arms again. I’ll leave those details at that.

On Saturday, we spent the day outdoors. We went up to Red Rocks. And then hiked at Lair O' the Bear Park. Where I fell twice and twisted both ankles. My left ankle is still swollen and displaying a pretty rainbow of purple colors. We drove up to Grand Lake and had dinner and walked around the lake. And on the way back down we spotted some moose. I took lots of pictures and once I get them off my camera, I’ll share some.

Sometime during that hiking day, I’m not sure what happened. I could sense space between us. He was pulling back. And I have no idea why. As is my usual self, I tried to act as though everything was normal. Probably not very successfully. But I couldn’t bring myself to ask him if anything was bothering him. And my thoughts ran away. Maybe he didn’t feel the same. Maybe he was regretting my visit. Maybe he just wants to be friends. Making this distance even worse with my runaway brain.

I tried to focus on the fun. Laugh. Just be myself. I was pointing at houses on the lake and jokingly saying we could take that one right there and bring my kids and his son and it would be awesome. Mind you, I was totally tipsy on two margaritas. Did you know that the altitude acts as an alcohol accelerator? Truth.

Then he said that he can’t move to CA and I’m not moving to CO so why make it hard on myself. And right there it was like he popped my big red balloon. I was deflated. I murmured, Yeah, but it’s fun to pretend. We had been talking like that earlier. Like the kind of boat I could buy him if a bazillion dollars fell in my lap. It was fun talk. But when I threw “us” into the mix, added to whatever was making him pull back, that’s the reaction I got. And I kind of had a silent hissy fit. I decided to take his offer of taking a nap and turned to the passenger side window and tried to doze off. A few tears of frustration escaped. I don’t know if he noticed or not. But, that’s me. I managed to fall asleep for a little while until I felt the car stop when he spotted a moose. We got out of the car and I took about 100 pictures of 3 moose. It was breathtaking to see them up close. And the pictures came out great. Plus beautiful sunset shots.

That night and the following day was just weird. We both had unspoken things on our mind. And there was this big divide. We tried to have fun anyway. And we did. Talking and joking around. Laughing together. But there was distance still. He reached out to me less. We touched less. And I responded by pulling back myself. He’s able to take one look at me and know how I’m feeling. He said that he could tell I was mad. I admitted to being frustrated with the situation. And maybe a little mad at him for giving me that dose of reality. But as is my usual manner, I stopped short of telling him what I was really feeling. Or asking him what he was thinking. Because I can’t look at him and just know. And he didn’t just say.

It was hard. I didn’t know if I would see him the next day because there was a chance he would have to work late or possibly go out of town. When I first booked my trip, he had planned to take Monday off. But he got the opportunity to start a new job at a better company a couple of weeks ago, so he had to work.

He said that he hoped I had a good time and that he was glad I came. We kissed. That wonderful perfect kiss that was still there. I told him that I was so glad I made the trip. But that I didn’t expect it to be so hard, which took him aback. I explained that it was hard to be close and then not close… and then I just left those words hanging in the air.

We said goodbye. He pulled a quarter from his pocket and gave it to me to give to Bibi. (He had pretended to pull a quarter out of her ear on Skype at some point in the last couple of weeks.) And my heart melted all over again.

I returned to my hotel room and snuggled up in that big bed, missing him terribly, letting the tears fall.

The next day, I connected with some friends from college. We had a wonderful time catching up. It had been many many years since we had seen each other and I loved being able to catch up. I didn’t have a car or I would have definitely gotten together with a couple of more friends (Alicia & SM! Hi!). D-man was working on a jobsite out of cell range. His texts finally came in after 6:00. But I had already had my friend take me to the airport.

And I dragged my deflated balloon home.

There’s a chance that he’s reading this. And maybe that’s not a bad thing. Because I have a hard time saying what I’m feeling. I know that it’s possible that it looked like I pulled back too. Reality sucks sometimes.

Like I said in my last post, I’m so very proud of the chances I’ve taken. I don’t know what’s next for D-man. I do know that I really do like him. Time will tell.

I don't know what I really expected.

A weekend of fun! Maybe romance? The fruition of a great connection?

Life isn't a fairytale.

And the reality of the impossibility of establishing a true relationship this way was maybe too much.

As well as my inability to articulate verbally what I do much better in writing.

And to ask the tough questions, because maybe I don't want to hear the answers.

But, I am so glad I did this. Because I did have a great time. And the connection may not be what I wanted. But I am alive and brave and strong.

It's a powerful thing.